Imagine you meet someone who seems wonderful. The conversation flows, the chemistry is there — and yet you notice a small voice inside you saying: keep your distance. Maybe you suddenly start finding faults with them. Maybe you get caught up in something else just as they get close. Or maybe you simply disappear, without really knowing why. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone — and there's nothing wrong with you. You may just have an avoidant attachment style.
What is avoidant attachment?
Attachment theory was originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It describes how our early experiences with caregivers shape the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives — especially in close relationships. One of the patterns that can emerge is called avoidant attachment.
People with this attachment style have typically learned that it is safer to manage on their own. Perhaps there wasn't always someone who was emotionally available when they needed it. Perhaps vulnerability was met with indifference — or even criticism. The result is often a deeply ingrained belief: that others can't really be trusted, and that it's best to keep a certain distance.
This doesn't mean they don't desire closeness. On the contrary. Many people with an avoidant attachment style long for close relationships — but intimacy simultaneously feels like a threat to their independence and sense of control.
How does it show up in everyday life?
Avoidant attachment can express itself in many ways. Some people withdraw emotionally when a partner starts asking for more intimacy. Others intellectualise their feelings rather than letting themselves feel them. Some focus heavily on a partner's flaws or shortcomings — unconsciously, as a form of protection against falling for someone.
A classic dynamic is the one that arises with an anxiously attached partner: the more one seeks reassurance and closeness, the more the other pulls away — and vice versa. It can feel like a dance neither party has chosen, yet one that is still hard to stop.
Researcher Stan Tatkin, who works with couples therapy and neurobiology, describes it as a system in which the brain associates intimacy with danger. It's not a choice — it's a learned response.
Can the pattern be changed?
The short answer is yes. Attachment styles are not destiny. They are strategies we have developed to survive — and strategies can be unlearned. It does, however, require awareness, time, and often the courage to sit with discomfort rather than run from it.
A good place to start is to begin noticing when the urge to withdraw arises. Not to judge yourself, but to curiously ask: What am I trying to protect myself from right now? That kind of self-reflection can open up new possibilities — both for yourself and in your relationships.
Closeness requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires that we dare to put down the old defence mechanisms — little by little.
When did you last notice yourself pulling away from someone who was getting close — and what do you think was really behind that movement?
AIA knows these theories and can help you understand them in your own situation.
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