Most of us grew up with the idea that love is something that just happens. Something you fall into. And there is something beautiful in that thought — the uncontrollable force of first infatuation, the butterflies, the world looking different. But what happens when that feeling fades? When everyday life settles in, and your partner is no longer new and unknown? Many people misread this as love disappearing. But perhaps it is actually where love begins.
Feelings don't lie — but they don't tell the whole truth
Falling in love is a biological phenomenon. Researchers like Helen Fisher have shown that the early stages of romantic love activate the brain's reward system in a way that resembles intoxication. Dopamine, noradrenaline, serotonin — it's a cocktail that makes us euphoric, focused, and a little blind. It's not romantic to put it that way, but it is liberating. Because it means that the intensity you felt in the beginning isn't necessarily the measure of love's depth or durability.
The psychologist Erich Fromm wrote in his classic The Art of Loving from 1956 that love is not a feeling one passively experiences — it is a capacity one actively develops. He argued that in our culture we are obsessed with being loved, but spend very little energy learning how to love. That distinction remains just as relevant today.
What does it mean to choose love?
Choosing love is not about forcing a feeling. It is about the actions, the attention, and the intention you bring into the relationship — even on days when you are tired, disappointed, or simply not in the mood. It means asking questions even when you are preoccupied. Saying sorry even when you think you are right. Turning toward your partner instead of away, when things get hard.
Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman talks about what he calls "bids for connection" — the small, often unnoticed moments when we reach out to one another. A question. A glance. A comment about the weather. And the choice we make in that moment — whether we turn toward or away — is, according to Gottman, crucial to the health of the relationship over time. Love is built in the small things.
Love is also a choice about yourself
Understanding love as a choice also changes your relationship with yourself. It removes some of the powerlessness that can come from waiting to feel in love again, or hoping that your partner will change. Instead, it opens up a question: What can I contribute? What do I choose to prioritize? Questions like these are not a burden — they are an invitation to take co-ownership of your own love life.
This does not, of course, mean that you should stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or exhausted. The choice to love also includes the choice to leave, when that is the right thing to do. But in healthy relationships that have lost a little spark, the awareness of love as something active and chosen can make a profound difference.
So here is an invitation to reflect: Think of a relationship in your life — romantic, friendship, or family — and ask yourself: What would it mean for that relationship if today you made a conscious choice to love a little more actively?
AIA knows these theories and can help you understand them in your own situation.
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